Letters from the Rosh Yeshiva Shlit"a

#6 - KEEP YOUR DISTANCE FROM YOUR EX-HUSBAND.

בעזרת ה' יתברך – יום ד' פרשת משפטים, כ"ד שבט, שנת תשע"ט


Mrs…


I received your letter


It is not advisable to attend the wedding; in general, don’t talk to him about anything except things concerning your children. May Hashem help you find an Ehrliche husband soon.


This is not a contradiction to what I have already written to you in a previous letter; that you should ensure there be peace for your children’s benefit, yet this doesn’t mean you should go to his wedding.


Forget about him and you will find peace, as the Bal Haturim says on the Pasuk in Bereishis (1,11) "ויפרד'ו אי'ש מע'ל אחי'ו", the last letters from each word spell 'שלום'; Avroham Avinu split up from Lot in order to be able to live with him in peace. There are times when one must keep a distance to ensure peace. Especially now, that he is remarrying, you should certainly sever all your connections to him, except the bare minimum for the children’s sake.


He told you that he helps people etc.; it’s a sad reality that people who need help themselves, become therapists, and it’s an even greater tragedy that people foolishly consider them as their mentors.


Regarding that he told you he doesn’t own a dog, and he added that “I wish I would”; you could infer from his words that he is lying.


May Hashem help you find your true Zivug; I’m waiting to hear the good news soon.


 


[The following is the question and answer the above letter is referring to.]


SHOULD I ALLOW MY CHILDREN TO HAVE CONTACT WITH MY EX-HUSBAND?


Question:


Lekuvid the Rosh Yeshiva Shlit”a


I want to begin with thanking you for all the wonderful Shiurim; even though they are primarily for men, I still gain a great deal of encouragement for myself. May Hashem give you the strength to continue with your holy work.


I’m going through a difficult phase now in my life; I am a divorced woman with several children Ke”h, their father, my ex-husband would urge me to go to inappropriate places together, and we divorced.


My question is: during the Get we determined that the children will live with me, and when they go to visit him, he should only talk to them and treat them in an Ehrliche manner. However, this is difficult for me for a couple of reasons; firstly, its simply hard to organize these visits each time, and secondly, my children certainly don’t receive very much Yiras Shomayim when they go to visit him. However, they do receive love from him, and that is beneficial to them.


Should I continue sending them like we determined by the Get, or should I instead shelter my children, and not allow them to go to him?


I am very confused, and cannot decide the right approach to take; I hope you will be able to clarify.


Thank you.


Answer


בעזרת ה' יתברך – יום ד' פרשת שופטים,ד' אלול, שנת תשע"ח


Mrs…


I received your letter.


If you want to merit healthy and Ehrliche children, you must be very careful no conflict should occur between you and their father. (Your ex-husband.)


Children need a father, just as they need a mother, and if they are denied one of the two, they will grow up deficient. Likewise, children should not hear parents disparage one another, because when parents squabble the children become confused and frightened, and this causes them to grow up with low self-esteem and anxiety, לא עלינו.


You should continue sending your children to their father, as determined by the Get, and through doing so they will grow up healthy.


You should never snub them when they tell you something about their father; if they tell you something he did with them, that isn’t to your liking, you must be very careful how to respond, they shouldn’t get the feeling that you disapprove of his behavior. The best scenario would be, that you speak to him (either directly, or through a mediator – however it is the most comfortable for you) and agree on all the issues. But you should never include the children in any arguments.


May Hashem help you raise your children with Yiras Shomayim, yet, one must remember, that in order to merit righteous children one must constantly Daven for their success.


Maharosh would relate that a Yid once came to the holy Chofetz Chaim Zt”l and requested a Brocha to merit righteous children; the Chofetz Chaim picked up a Tehillim which was swollen from dampness, and said: “This is the Tehillim from my mother A”h who would cry every day that her children should be Ehrlich; this is how one merits righteous children.” Therefore, constantly Daven to Hashem you should merit righteous children, healthy children, and children who will light up the world with their holiness.


If you will be careful and ensure there be peace between you and your ex-husband, you will save your children from all harm; as the Rebbe says in Sefer Hamiddos (Ois Banim) "על ידי רדיפת שלום מציל את בניו ממיתה ומגלות"’ through peace, one’s children are saved from death and suffering; because when parents argue, all children want to do is escape from home; they seek bad friends, until they turn to drugs Rachmana Litzlon.


May Hashem help you with Success in all your endeavors.

#5 - REGARDING ‘NAIL POLISH’.
Tznius

בעזרת ה' יתברך- יום ד' פ' יתרו, י"ז שבט, יומא דהילולא של מוהרא"ש זצוק"ל, שנת תשע"ט


Mrs….


Thank you for helping the Yeshiva with your donation for the rent; in the merit of Tzedakah may you be blessed in all your endeavors.


Your husband asked me in your name if it is permitted to apply ‘nail polish’; if you are asking, then you certainly want to oblige to what I answer; if not you wouldn’t have asked in the first place. So, I want you to know it’s not advisable, and you should refrain from doing so.


Maharosh told the women from the Kehillah numerous times not to do so; for whichever reasons.


In the merit of listening to Tzaddikim you will be Zoche to righteous children. Especially if you are careful with your Tznius; you will merit the Brocha of the holy Rebbe, who said (Sefer Hamiddos, Ois banim) "צניעות שבאשה מזכה לה לבנים הגונים".


Regards from your husband, he is very dear to me.

#4 - KASHRUS, TZNIUS, AND LICHT BENTCHEN.
Candle Lighting

בעזרת ה' יתברך- יום ב' פ' יתרו, חמשה עשר בשבט, שנת תשע"ט


Mrs….


I received your letter.


I am happy to hear that you are satisfied with your children’s Melamdim, and teachers; I’m pleased you appreciate their hard work.


We have extremely dedicated Melamdim and teachers, who invest all their efforts into the success of the children. May Hashem help us continue this way, to raise our children in holiness.


Regarding Hechsherim etc.; it is a wise move to accept upon yourself only to eat meat from Kehillas Satmar. Maharosh writes about this in שאלות ותשובות ברסלב (letter 341) “Here in America Satmar שחיטה has a good Hechsher”; when it comes to other products, use caution what you allow into your home, since food we consume enters our blood flow. If you want to know exactly what is a good Hechsher and what is not, ask your Dayan or Moreh Derech.


Regarding your question, that when someone knocks at your door for Tzedakah, you send a ‘Chizuk Yomi’ card along with the child, and you ask that in case a child is not home and you are giving the Tzedakah, if is it Tznius for a woman to hand out these cards. Firstly, there is no greater Mitzva than bringing Yidden closer to Hashem; we all must engage in הפצה, but a lady should only engage therein between other women. Therefore, if you are giving the Tzedaka, refrain from handing out such cards, leave it to your husband or children.


Regarding what you ask about lighting Shabbos Candles early; someone told you that it is questionable; fortunate for you that you bring Shabbos into your home early. The holy Baal Shem Tov, and the Rebbe also did so. They would Bentch Licht two hours before it turned dark, which is about half an hour before our Zman. You should continue doing so even though there are Poskim who say one cannot light so early; there are Poskim though that determine one can light already before פלג מנחה (שאלות ותשובות ארץ צבי), especially since there is electricity nowadays, and it is obvious that one is lighting the candles in honor of Shabbos. Therefore, you should continue bringing the Shabbos into your home a little earlier; it is a beautiful Minhag.


Make sure to utilize the holy minutes of Licht Bentchen to Daven for your children and grandchildren, they should grow up to be Ehrlich; the Tefillos uttered during these moments are very precious to Hashem.


Maharosh would always repeat what R’ Nosson instructed his wife and children to Daven for while Bentching Licht “Riboinoi Shel Oilam, just as I’m igniting these candles, help that the holy Rebbe’s light should be ignited in every Yid’s heart;” and continue by saying “Riboinoi Shel Oilam! Grant me a pleasant Shabbos and a beautiful life; help me respect my husband, and live together in harmony; grant me a peaceful and loving relationship with him. Hashem, hear my prayer, help my children be Ehrlich and serve you with love. Riboinoi Shel Oilam, just as I am lighting Shabbos Licht, light up the lives of my family, and all of Klal Yisroel; everyone should be aware of you and of the holy Rebbe. Ignite…. heart, and the hearts of my children, they should serve you with love.”


Hashem should grant you Nachas from your children, and may you merit to continue raising them in good health.

#3 - CREATE PEACE AT HOME.
Sholom Bayis

בעזרת ה' יתברך- עש"ק פ' בשלח, י"ב שבט, שנת תשע"ט


Mrs…


I received your letter.


You are not right; this is not the way a Yiddishe woman may behave; you cannot talk to your husband like that.


I ask you; don’t torment your husband. Especially that he is so good to you; he gives you everything you need, and helps you at home; why do you have to suck the life out of him? It is a great Aveira for a wife to hurt her husband like that.


I beg you, create peace; request forgiveness still before Shabbos, so you enter the holy Shabbos in happiness and harmony.

#2 - GUIDANCE FOR A JEWISH WOMAN.
Chinuch, Family Purity, Modesty, Children

 


בעזרת ה' יתברך-יום ד' פרשת שמות, י"ח טבת, שנת תשעט


Mrs……


I received your letter.


One must be very careful to keep count in a calendar, and immediately note the day etc. There is no way one can keep count verbally; as a result, one can chas vesholom transgress on איסורי כריתות rachmana litzlon. Regarding that you’re not sure about Sunday or Monday etc. in this case consider it Monday and continue counting from then. It is ok to bathe small children together in a tziusdike fashion (e.g. wearing underwear). Once they get older, bathe them separately.


What one should constantly keep in mind is, to daven to Hashem for holy children; when a yiddishe mame would only know what an impact her tefillos have in heaven, she would not stop davening for herself, her husband, her children and for the entire klal Yisroel. If you cannot find the time to daven because you’re busy with your household duties, talk to Hashem while cooking and cleaning etc.


May Hashem grant you success in everything you do.


 

#1 - AVOID SENDING YOUR DAUGHTER TO THE GROCERY.
Chinuch

בעזרת ה' יתברך-יום ד' פרשת שמות, י"ח טבת, שנת תשעט


Mrs…..


I received your letter.


If your daughter complains that she doesn’t feel comfortable or safe going to the grocery, it is self-understood that you should use extra caution. Especially the grocery next to your house, the workers are extremely immoral; they obsess over the Jewish girls’ day and night. I’m surprised this is allowed to continue without anyone saying anything.


One must pay attention; how long do you think it takes to lose a child rachmana litzlon? All a girl needs is to hear only once, from one of the lowly workers, “you look so good”, and it is just enough to ensnare her chas vesholom. Therefore, if your daughter does not feel safe going to the grocery because of their behavior, don’t send her. Instead keep her home and let her help with the housework.


Thank and praise Hashem that your children are holy and refined, and they strive to be good; guard them carefully. Chazal say (bamidbar rabah 11, 5) "וישמרך בבנות". A girl needs more protection than a boy; especially nowadays when the yetzer horas only goal is, to distance our children from Yiddishkeit.


 May hashem grant you success in everything you do.