בעזרת ה' יתברך – יום ד' פרשת משפטים, כ"ד שבט, שנת תשע"ט
I received your letter
It is not advisable to attend the wedding; in general, don’t talk to him about anything except things concerning your children. May Hashem help you find an Ehrliche husband soon.
This is not a contradiction to what I have already written to you in a previous letter; that you should ensure there be peace for your children’s benefit, yet this doesn’t mean you should go to his wedding.
Forget about him and you will find peace, as the Bal Haturim says on the Pasuk in Bereishis (1,11) "ויפרד'ו אי'ש מע'ל אחי'ו", the last letters from each word spell 'שלום'; Avroham Avinu split up from Lot in order to be able to live with him in peace. There are times when one must keep a distance to ensure peace. Especially now, that he is remarrying, you should certainly sever all your connections to him, except the bare minimum for the children’s sake.
He told you that he helps people etc.; it’s a sad reality that people who need help themselves, become therapists, and it’s an even greater tragedy that people foolishly consider them as their mentors.
Regarding that he told you he doesn’t own a dog, and he added that “I wish I would”; you could infer from his words that he is lying.
May Hashem help you find your true Zivug; I’m waiting to hear the good news soon.
[The following is the question and answer the above letter is referring to.]
SHOULD I ALLOW MY CHILDREN TO HAVE CONTACT WITH MY EX-HUSBAND?
Lekuvid the Rosh Yeshiva Shlit”a
I want to begin with thanking you for all the wonderful Shiurim; even though they are primarily for men, I still gain a great deal of encouragement for myself. May Hashem give you the strength to continue with your holy work.
I’m going through a difficult phase now in my life; I am a divorced woman with several children Ke”h, their father, my ex-husband would urge me to go to inappropriate places together, and we divorced.
My question is: during the Get we determined that the children will live with me, and when they go to visit him, he should only talk to them and treat them in an Ehrliche manner. However, this is difficult for me for a couple of reasons; firstly, its simply hard to organize these visits each time, and secondly, my children certainly don’t receive very much Yiras Shomayim when they go to visit him. However, they do receive love from him, and that is beneficial to them.
Should I continue sending them like we determined by the Get, or should I instead shelter my children, and not allow them to go to him?
I am very confused, and cannot decide the right approach to take; I hope you will be able to clarify.
בעזרת ה' יתברך – יום ד' פרשת שופטים,ד' אלול, שנת תשע"ח
I received your letter.
If you want to merit healthy and Ehrliche children, you must be very careful no conflict should occur between you and their father. (Your ex-husband.)
Children need a father, just as they need a mother, and if they are denied one of the two, they will grow up deficient. Likewise, children should not hear parents disparage one another, because when parents squabble the children become confused and frightened, and this causes them to grow up with low self-esteem and anxiety, לא עלינו.
You should continue sending your children to their father, as determined by the Get, and through doing so they will grow up healthy.
You should never snub them when they tell you something about their father; if they tell you something he did with them, that isn’t to your liking, you must be very careful how to respond, they shouldn’t get the feeling that you disapprove of his behavior. The best scenario would be, that you speak to him (either directly, or through a mediator – however it is the most comfortable for you) and agree on all the issues. But you should never include the children in any arguments.
May Hashem help you raise your children with Yiras Shomayim, yet, one must remember, that in order to merit righteous children one must constantly Daven for their success.
Maharosh would relate that a Yid once came to the holy Chofetz Chaim Zt”l and requested a Brocha to merit righteous children; the Chofetz Chaim picked up a Tehillim which was swollen from dampness, and said: “This is the Tehillim from my mother A”h who would cry every day that her children should be Ehrlich; this is how one merits righteous children.” Therefore, constantly Daven to Hashem you should merit righteous children, healthy children, and children who will light up the world with their holiness.
If you will be careful and ensure there be peace between you and your ex-husband, you will save your children from all harm; as the Rebbe says in Sefer Hamiddos (Ois Banim) "על ידי רדיפת שלום מציל את בניו ממיתה ומגלות"’ through peace, one’s children are saved from death and suffering; because when parents argue, all children want to do is escape from home; they seek bad friends, until they turn to drugs Rachmana Litzlon.
May Hashem help you with Success in all your endeavors.