בעזרת ה' יתברך- יום ב' פ' יתרו, חמשה עשר בשבט, שנת תשע"ט
I received your letter.
If you truly want to see a way out of your difficult situation, there is only one solution; take the עצה of the holy Rebbe – התבודדות.
On one hand התבודדות takes very little effort, and it’s free; yet, on the other hand, it is an extremely hard thing to accomplish, because one must have תמימות ופשיטות and strongly believe that Hashem is listening to every word. When one doesn’t have an unwavering faith in Hashem; just davening Shachris, Mincha, and Maariv is a burden for him, then התבודדות is definitely a struggle.
The only reason a person finds Davening insignificant, is because his Emunah is lacking; as the Rebbe says (Likutei Maharan, Chelek 1, Siman 62): “If it would be completely clear in a person’s mind, that while he Davens, Hashem is by his side, and he is listening to his every word, then he would certainly Daven the way he is supposed to, and concentrate the entire time.”
Talking to Hashem reinforces a person’s Emunah, and the more one engages therein, the stronger his faith becomes. He starts sensing Hashem’s presence, and his anxieties and delusions disappear. If you start talking to Hashem, your worries will dissipate, and your mind will become clear. It is wise of you not to share all your fears with your wife, she has no benefit from being aware of your weaknesses.
You write that you never shared your inner turmoil with anyone, since you are ashamed of it; it isn’t advisable for you to share it with other people, instead, unburden yourself to Hashem, tell him: “Hashem, my head is spinning with frightening thoughts, I’m worried something will happen to me at any given moment; I feel so anxious, I’m not even sure about what exactly. Hashem help me get rid of my painful thoughts; I know this is the Yetzer Hora, who simply wants to distract me with baseless fears, however, he has taken my mind hostage, and I cannot focus on anything else.
Hashem, help me believe with a steadfast faith, that you are always next to me, and nothing could happen without you decreeing so from above. Help me feel your presence, and have complete trust in you; help me not be bothered with what others say about me.
Help me remember there is no existence without you; help me in the merit of all the Tzaddikm who sanctified your holy name, in the Zchus of R’ Shimon Bar Yochai; in the Zchus of R’ Yitzchok Luria Ashkenazi; in the Zchus of R’ Yisroel Baal Shem Tov; in the Zchus of R’ Nachman M’Breslev; in the Zchus of R’ Nosson M’Breslev, and in the Zchus of Rabeinu Eliezer Shlomo M’Breslev. יהיו לרצון אמרי פי והגיון לבי לפניך ה' צורי וגואלי, אמן כן יהי רצון.
It gladdens me to hear from you, send me more letters.