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#11 - DON’T SQUANDER AWAY YOUR LIFE WITH PETTY ARGUMENTS AND FIGHTS.
Sholom Bayis

Question Summary

Answer from the Rosh Yeshiva Shlit"a

בעזרת ה' יתברך- ערב שבת קודש פ' יתרו, י"ט שבט, שנת תשע"ט


Mrs….


I sent a letter to your husband and implored he abandon all arguments etc.; thus, I want to request from you: help him create peace, because he desires to spend time with you. It’s just a struggle for him to put away his pride and be the one to start. You be wise and give him a smile and positivity, and everything will change. True, he should be the one reconciling, but now isn’t the time to weigh who is right or wrong. Your duty now is to be smart, swallow, and make sure your home doesn’t collapse. Give him a smile and you will see it will change his mood; in return he will start talking to you in a pleasant manner.


How long does one live, that its worthwhile to squander away precious time with petty arguments? Chazal relate (Chulin 59): There is a species of insect called "בקא", these flies could only survive for one day. Instead of enjoying their extremely brief lifespan with each other, they spend their time arguing and accusing each other. The female says to the male "חזיתיה לבר מחוזא דסחא במיא וסליק ואיכרך בסדינין, ואותיבת עליה ומצת מיניה ולא הודעת לי", I saw you bite a person who was swimming in the sea, and you didn’t invite me to join the feast; now I won’t talk to you for the next seven years! They barely live for one day, yet they fight for seven years…  Sadly, there are many people who behave in the same foolish manner. They think they are here forever, and don’t realize how short life actually is. You’ve spent enough years arguing, now start investing that energy in building your home; don’t seek to always be right, be the adult and the first to ask for forgiveness; start treating your husband nicely.


I beg you Mrs…; give your husband a smile, and speak to him pleasantly. Tell him “I love you so much,” you can be sure he will reciprocate with kind words. Life is like a mirror; when one smiles, the reflection flashes a smile back, but when one frowns, the reflection does the same. Be happy and a joyful atmosphere will permeate throughout your home; when the mother is happy everyone is happy. I know this is not an easy request, especially for a Yiddishe Mame who is preoccupied with so many different responsibilities, however, try with all the strength you possess, and beseech Hashem for his help; Say “Hashem help me be in a good mood, help me be happy and not depressed. I know everything is contingent in my behavior, and when I am miserable the whole house feels the effects. My husband and children suffer because of me; help me Hashem, I want to repent, I no longer want to be irritable and angry etc.”


While lighting the Shabbos candles, cover your eyes and beseech Hashem; pour your heart out to Him; every Tefilla you utter, whether for yourself, your husband or your children is very precious up in heaven.


I wish you a happy and pleasant Shabbos.

#10 - STOP WITH YOUR ARGUMENTS AND CONFLICTS; CREATE A PEACEFUL ATMOSPHERE AT HOME.
Sholom Bayis

Question Summary

Answer from the Rosh Yeshiva Shlit"a

בעזרת ה' יתברך- ערב שבת קודש פ' יתרו, י"ט שבט, שנת תשע"ט


Dear…


After talking and writing so often, I still cannot convince you that through arguing and always being right, you won’t achieve anything? Do you think it is a Mitzva to always have the last word? Do you suppose that by hurting your wife you will receive more Schar up in heaven? It’s enough already. Start living in harmony. To the holy Rebbe, Shalom Bayis was the most important factor. The Rebbe spoke about it very often, and he would constantly warn us to be careful not to argue with our wives, only value and cherish them. (Sichas Haran, Siman 264).


For everything you need turn to Hashem; heed the Rebbe’s words, and tell him everything you are going through. Talk to him in the language you are most comfortable with, and you will certainly see heavenly salvation.


Instead of arguing and bickering with your wife, daven to Hashem every day, and you will see Nissim. R’ Nosson Z”l once said: “If a person talks and Davens to Hashem for something, for Forty days, his Tefillos will certainly be answered.”


Be very careful not to lose your temper on Shabbos; the holy Zohar states (Tikunei Zohar, Tikun 48): on the Pasuk in Shemos (35, 3): "לא תבערו אש בכל משבתיכם ביום השבת", he adds one word "לא תבערו אש 'הכעס' ביום השבת"; the entire week one must be careful not to become angry, but on Shabbos one must use even more caution and ensure there is a happy atmosphere in his home; if you treat your wife in a pleasant manner you will see your entire home transform.


Remember, with kindness and patience you can achieve anything.


I’m sending you a letter for your wife, give it to her still before Shabbos because I want you to have a happy peaceful Shabbos.

#9 - HELP YOUR WIFE WITH THE PREPARATIONS FOR SHABBOS.
Sholom Bayis, Shabbos

Question Summary

Answer from the Rosh Yeshiva Shlit"a

בעזרת ה' יתברך- יום ה' פ' יתרו, י"ח שבט, שנת תשע"ט


Dear…


Why must you always be the one to show you are right? You are undoubtedly very wise and talented, but by constantly arguing with your wife, you don’t exactly demonstrate it. Stop with all the petty fights; through bickering one doesn’t achieve anything. See where you can truly be smart, and remain quiet; you don’t always need to have the last word. Find opportunities to help your wife.


Now before Shabbos, try with all the strength you possess to be מוותר so peace pervades throughout your home. The Yetzer Hora knows that Shabbos is a holy time, and a person can become closer to Hashem, therefore he causes Machlokes between a husband and wife so they enter Shabbos with contempt and hostility.


Instead of becoming annoyed why this or that isn’t done yet, or something isn’t ready for Shabbos, roll up your sleeves and lend a hand; the Gemara lists how the holy Tanaim would help out at home to prepare for the Shabbos (Shabbos 119.): R’ Safra would prepare the head of a Beheima in honor of the Shabbos; Rava salted the fish; Rav Huna prepared the candles; Rav Pupa prepared the wicks; Rav Chisda prepared the vegetables; Rav’e and Rav Yosef prepared the wood for the fire; R’ Zeira would stoke the fire with small pieces of wood; Rav Nachman Bar Yitzchok brought in the clothing and utensils as if he’s about to welcome an important guest. Learn from the holy Tanaim and Amaroim how they helped out in honor of the Shabbos with the utmost simcha and satisfaction; if all the Tzaddikim understood the significance of assisting Lekuvid Shabbos, you can certainly find ways to help your wife at home.


I beg you; as soon as you finish reading this letter, go home. Stop chasing after friends, they just distract you from your wife and children, and destroy your life. Instead, go home to your wife and children who are waiting for you. Help your wife prepare for Shabbos and you will merit to taste a Taam Gan Eden here on this world.


 Good night.

#8 - BY LEARNING YOU WILL EARN YOUR WIFE’S RESPECT.
Sholom Bayis

Question Summary

Answer from the Rosh Yeshiva Shlit"a

 


בעזרת ה' יתברך-יום ה' פ' בא, ד' שבט, שנת תשע"ט


To my dear……


A Yid once came to the holy Tzemach Tzedek of Lubavitch, and lamented on the fact that his wife treats him in a patronizing manner; she degrades and shames him. The holy Tzaddik replied: “It states in the holy Torah (Bereishis 3, 17) "ואל אישך תשוקתך, והוא ימשל בך", Hashem told Chavah; you will have a strong desire for your husband, but he will preside over you. The Tzemach Tzedek explained “this goes hand by hand; if you exchange the two, and the husband desires the wife, then the wife becomes the superior, and the husband the inferior.”


If you will chase after your wife etc. then she will rule over you; but if you will immerse yourself in Torah, Tefilla, and especially הפצה then she will respect you.


I hope you understand what I am insinuating; if you conduct yourself righteously then you will merit a blessed life.


I will continue this conversation in person.


 


 

#7 - STRENGTHEN YOUR WIFE.
Sholom Bayis

Question Summary

Answer from the Rosh Yeshiva Shlit"a

 


בעזרת ה' יתברך-יום ג' פ' בא, ב' שבט, שנת תשע"ט


Dear….


I received your letter.


Forgive me for not replying immediately; I was distracted with other responsibilities.


I sent your wife a letter yesterday afternoon; I then received another letter from her asking why I didn’t reply to you yet; she is right, I should have replied a while ago.


I beg you; stay strong dear……, and strengthen your wife. When a woman goes through hardships and suffering, her husband is her sounding board for her pain, and broken heart. Thus, a husband must be careful to keep his composure, and not display despair, even if he also believes there is nothing to do to help the situation. He must continue encouraging her with all his strength, even if it seems she doesn’t accept it, and his words are in vain.


Therefore, I beg you dear……; when your wife cries to you; listen and comfort her. Explain in the simplest terms that Hashem is here, with you in your pain, and everything that happens has an exact accounting for.


It is useless to torment oneself, with thoughts of death. When the minute one must return his soul to Hashem arrives, there is nothing one can do to change it. It is futile to agonize with such worries and fears; instead turn on lively music, this will chase away senseless phobias. The Rebbe states (Sefer Hamiddos, אות פחד) "מי שיש לו פחדים, יזמר זמר של שמחה", one who is frightened, should sing songs of simcha, and thereby dispel all his fears.


It would be advisable for you to print a chelek of Asher Banachal; you could give the money to the messenger who delivers this letter. Maharosh would request five hundred dollars for the zchus of printing Asher Banachal.


I’m davening for you and your wife; I’m eagerly awaiting to hear that your situation has improved.


                                                   

#6 - I HOPE YOU WILL RETURN TO YOUR WIFE.
Sholom Bayis

Question Summary

Answer from the Rosh Yeshiva Shlit"a

בעזרת ה' יתברך-יום א' פ' וארא, כ"ב טבת, שנת תשעט


Lekuvid my dear…..


I miss you; when I see your son …… I am reminded of the good times we spent together.


I hope you will reunite with your wife, and raise a healthy household together.


I am inviting you for Shabbos.

#5 - THE IMPORTANCE OF HAVING A HOLY PLACE; THE GREATNESS OF TRAVELING TO THE REBBE FOR ROSH HASHONAH.
Sholom Bayis, Shabbos, שובבי"ם, Uman, Kedusha

Question Summary

Answer from the Rosh Yeshiva Shlit"a

בעזרת ה' יתברך-ערב שבת קודש פ' שמות, כ' טבת, שנת תשעט


Lekuvid…..


This week is the first Shabbos of שובבים; we must be extremely excited with the opportunity to observe this Shabbos properly.


Maharosh would constantly review the following Medrash (תנחומא בראשית, ג) “If one rejoices with the holy Shabbos, and sweetens it in whichever way possible, it is equivalent to as if he would have fasted a thousand times.” Therefore, the yetzer hora is terrified that one will rectify everything, just through keeping Shabbos in the right manner; so, he makes it his business to distract a person with whatever he can. Already from Friday morning one should daven to Hashem that he should merit to be happy throughout Shabbos; that he shouldn’t lose his temper on Shabbos; and that he should rejoice with the holy Shabbos.


Baruch Hashem, we are moving forward with the building in Uman, the exterior is almost complete; Hashem should help us finish it already, it should be “והראנו בבנינו, ושמחנו בתקונו.” This building will be a beacon of light to the entire world, as we see already; the teachings of the holy Rebbe are gradually being absorbed in all different communities and kehillas.


I personally thank everyone for helping me; but really you are helping yourself. Why is it I need this building? Is it my desire to incur debt? The only reason for doing this is, because I want to protect your children.


Yesterday I sent a bochur out of yeshiva; another bochur came to tell me that not everything is in order with him; when I asked him to elaborate, he explained that a few years ago whilst being in Uman for Rosh Hashanah, this particular bochur was staying in the same hotel as him, and throughout yom tov, he was chasing after the small children in a suspicious and inappropriate manner. This brings out how essential it is to have a safe place where to stay in Uman, and I want to provide accommodations where we can protect our kids.


Last week Friday night, I had an interesting incident. I usually don’t leave the Beis Hamedresh during davening, but a random thought entered my mind ‘let me go outside and check what is going on’. I stepped out for a moment, and just at that time a yingerman on the way into the Beis Hamedresh approaches me. I immediately stopped his entry, and told him to leave at once. When he asked why, I told him “I have heard you are a pedophile rachmana litzlon.” He turned around and fled as fast as he could. It was divine providence that I met him outside, and was able to chase him away in time.


People ask me, what is the importance of repeatedly talking about protecting oneself, and one’s children, from מניוולים? And I think to myself ‘will I ever be able to stress enough on it?’ When people would be aware of what is going on nowadays; how boys and girls are being victimized by sick people rachmana litzlon, they would beg me “please talk more, we want to have the peace of mind, knowing our children are safe.”


I’m sending you some pictures of the construction in Uman, so you can see with your own eyes how your money is being used. I don’t want a repeat of the problems we had last year; the roof wasn’t sealed properly and every time it rained, the whole building was submerged in water. I want to finish it as soon as possible.


Don’t view this as unnecessary, because traveling to Uman is our first priority. The holy Rebbe proclaimed (Chai Maharan, 405) “The entire world depends on my Rosh Hashanah”; we all go to Uman every year; and we bring along our children once they turn 7, we must have a place where to be together.


Thanks to Hashem I have obtained tickets for the coming Rosh Hashanahהבא עלינו לטובה  שנת תש"פ; I should merit yet another opportunity to visit the holy Rebbe, together with my children.


We cannot take aggravation, money, or anything else into account; we travel to holy Rebbe with mesirus nefesh. Therefore, we took the plunge and started such a project, to erect a building, in order to have a safe locale. Give it a few years and this building will be small already, every year there is a fresh class of five and six year old’s, who also want to merit the guarantee from the holy Rebbe (Chai Maharan, 517) “I promise every child, which comes to me before he turns 7 years of age, he will merit to be wed, holy and pure.” What more do parents want then ehrliche doros? What better guarantee does one have, that their children reach marriageable age, righteous and pure from aveiros, without being נכשל in פגם הברית?


Yingeleit ask me, is it so crucial to take their children every year repeatedly, why won’t it suffice just once? I think to myself ‘true, it’s a lot of money, but what is the value you put on ehrliche doros??’ It costs me an awful lot of money; I’m traveling with five children this year, kein ayin hora. Make a calculation, one ticket costs a thousand dollars, so in total I’m paying six thousand dollars. It costs money; but we will do everything in the world to ensure our children stay holy and pure.


Gladden your wife; the holy Arizal says (שער הפסוקים פ' כי תשא, סימן לא, ועיין ברא"ש קמא 7, 19) the acronym for 'ושמרו בני ישראל את השבת' is 'ביאה'. This illustrates, that on Shabbos one must be together with his wife. This is the only reason the yetzer hora puts so much focus to cause arguments and strife between a husband and his wife; they end up sulking at each other, and as a result, their Shabbos is destroyed. Therefore, try with all your strength to stay happy, and relaxed throughout Shabbos.


Good Shabbos.

#4 - THURSDAY NIGHT IS THE TIME TO LEND A HAND AT HOME, TO HELP OUT FOR SHABBOS
Sholom Bayis, Shabbos

Question Summary

Answer from the Rosh Yeshiva Shlit"a

בעזרת השם יתברך ליל שישי פ' ויחי, אור לי"ג טבת, שנת תשע"ט


Lekuvid.....


Leil shishi (thursday night) is the not the time to hang out with friends, go home, and help your wife prepare for shabbos.


Imagine you would have guest coming, you would certainly clean and prepare your house with an excitement and simcha, likewise, one should prepare מכל טוב וטוב, all kinds of delicacies in honor of the holy shabbos. Especially now, during the short winter Fridays be a חכם עיניו בראשו, and start preparing on Thursday in order for you to have an easier erev shabbos.


While hustling for shabbos sing to yourself "lekuvid shabbos!" and " shabbos is coming!", it states in mishna berurah that while buying for shabbos one should say 'lekuvid shabbos'; the more one expresses his excitement and anticipation for the shabbos, the more kedushah descends to the world.


Remember what the holy R' Nosson would say "I'd rather always be from the נרדפים-the mistreated"; be careful never to hurt another Jew, and definitely not your own wife.


I'll have to elaborate more on this tomorrow, now I have to run to my talmidim which are waiting for some chizuk. Bochurim have nothing and nobody in the world, therefore I need to show them that they are not alone, they have Hashem.


Good night.

#3 - FORGET OLD EVENTS AND TURN OVER A NEW PAGE
Sholom Bayis

Question Summary

Answer from the Rosh Yeshiva Shlit"a

בעזרת השם יתברך ליל ד' פ' ויחי, אור לי"ב טבת, שנת תשע"ט


Lekuvid......


I beg of you my dear....... forget old grudges and stop holding your wife accountable for things that happened in the past. Stop saying to her "remember you hurt me then and then", "remember once upon a time you did this and this" ... First of all it is a transgression of the Torah, as it states in the pasuk (vayikra 25, 17) "ולא תונו איש את עמיתו, ויראת מאלקיך" and our sages say (bava metzia 58:) "אם היה בעל תשובה, אל יאמר לו "זכור מעשיך הראשונים" " don't ask a baal tshuvah "remember when you still committed sins?" Secondly, most important to the rebbe was התחדשות - a fresh start; let bygones be bygones and turn over a new page.


Go home, your wife is waiting for you. Spend time with her, talk to her, this is avodas Hashem! Stop wasting your nights with 'friends'. Heed my words: "People are selfish, they're only here for themselves, as long as they can get something from you, they will consider you as a friend. As soon as they decide that they have no use for you, they will be the first to destroy you.


I still have more to write, but I must go home. Good night.

#2 - DON'T LET YOUR NESHUMA STARVE
Chinuch, Sholom Bayis, Mishnayos, Limud HaTorah, Gemoroh, מעביר סדרה

Question Summary

Answer from the Rosh Yeshiva Shlit"a

בעזרת השם יתברך-ליל ג' פ' ויחי, אור לי"א טבת, שנת תשע"ט


Lekuvid.....


Just imagine how famished your neshuma is when you fail to learn Torah...... Think of how you felt today when you fasted, you didn't have strength for anything, and all day your mind was focused on 'when can I break my fast already?' This is only when the גוף - the body fasts. In comparison when days and weeks go by, and the neshuma isn't fed and satisfied with Torah you cannot imagine how weak and exhausted the neshuma becomes.


Therefore I ask you, take a Chumash and be מעביר סדרה. Even though the custom is to refrain from learning mikra at night, if you learn it together with Rashi and Targum then it is permitted. Don't wait until Friday to finish the chumash, remember what our holy sages taught us "אל תאמר לכשאפנה אשנה, שמא לא תפנה" Don't say "when I'll have extra time and all will be settled, then I'll learn". NOW is the time to learn Torah.


You should continue with mishnayos - even if you don't understand the meaning, just say the words. Mishnayos has a great power to change a person 'מן הקצה אל הקצה' - even if a person is already trapped in his aveiros,  mishnayos can save him. The holy rebbe would say (sichas haran, siman 19) "even if a person is already lying in שאול תחתית, but he establishes a shiur for himself in mishnayos, and makes sure to learn כך וכך (a certain amount) every day, the koach of Torah will cleanse him and purify him.


Make sure also to learn a daf gemara. Our Sages z"l state (tosefta parah 4, 4) "רבי עקיבא אומר זמר בה תדירא - זמר", tzaddikim say this is an expression of severing, cutting off completely. When you learn Torah you sever all the קליפות that are created through your sins.


When you learn a daf gemara every day you merit to finish the entire shas after 7 years. We started learning shas 7 years ago, during the summer of 5772, iyh next year parshas vayigash we will finish the entire shas. We have already rented out the 'Crown Plaza Hotel' for shabbos vayigash 5780 in honor of the siyum. We will spend a beautiful shabbos together and celebrate the siyum hashas.


In Hichel Hakodesh it's not practical to celebrate every siyum;  someone who follows the 'seder derech halimud' - (the rebbe's directive of learning) could make a siyum every other day.... Even so, I want to make a special siyum hashas to encourage my talmidim to learn a daf a day. Maharosh quotes from the goan R' Sheftil z"l the son of the של"ה הקדוש, which he writes in his צוואה - (will) (at the end of sefer יש נוחלין) "learning a daf gemara every day is chiyuv just like tefillin".


Learn your shiur gemara at home; this will transform your home. When your wife will see you learning, she will respect you, and when your children will see it they will want to emulate you. Children naturally want to imitate their parents. If you learn, your children will learn, but if you spend your time playing with your phone, you can be sure your children will do the same.


I hope you read the letters I send you. Good night.

#1 - DON'T BE STINGY WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR FAMILY
Krias Shema, Sholom Bayis, Tzedukeh

Question Summary

Answer from the Rosh Yeshiva Shlit"a

 


 בעזרת השם יתברך ליל א' פרשת ויחי אור לט' טבת שנת תשע"ט


Lekuvid....


   When your wife asks you for a few dollars to take a car service home because it's too cold for her to walk, why should you be so stingy and deny it to her? when it comes to your needs money doesn't play a role - you buy cartons of cigarettes and coffee every day etc. Let's not talk about all the wine you buy for shabbos, which costs a pretty penny; you don't sit down and think if you can afford it or not, so why when your wife asks for a few dollars do you make such a fuss??


   Our holy sages state ( chulin 84: ) "לעולם יאכל אדם וישתה פחות ממה שיש לו, וילבש ויתכסה במה שיש לו, ויכבד אשתו ובניו יותר ממה שיש לו", A person should save and spend less money on food then that is in his budget, and to clothe himself he should only spend how much is in his budget, but when it comes to his wife and children he should even spend more than he really has. And for a person which conducts himself in this manner the pasuk says, (tehillim 112, 5) "טוב איש חונן ומלוה יכלכל דבריו במשפט". I hope you won't be hurt, for telling you what to do. Believe me it's only because I have pity on you. More pity than all those who call themselves your 'good' friends. Heed my words and give your wife money to spend, if you want to save money save when it comes to your own needs.


Remember to say krias shema before going to sleep, and say to Hashem in your own words 'Hashem forgive me for whatever I did etc. I promise tomorrow i'll be erhlich (pious). Just a few words will get rid of all the דינים against you.


Good night.